greensmg: 05/01/2016

Monday, May 30, 2016

26 mei 16 kamis

Ikip mpe siang Dpt kabar eyang meninggal Kos Sukun by gojek Solo by bus Madiun by bus Ponorogo by bus Omah by ojek Allhuakbar

25 mei 16 rabu

Ikip Wisma perdamaian-pelantikan hiski dan seminar Ikip mpe malam Allhuakbar

23 mei 16 senen

Ikip Charly w ipah yayan ida kartina dina soni Allahuakbar

22 mei 16 minggu

Wrtg Dijemput yayan masnug Markas ikasilo Kaliurang Lavatour Diantar yayan masnug Allhuakbar

21 mei 16 sabtu

Ikip Ikut pengabdian w yayan dina suju sutrisno rasiman Es marem Ikip Allhuakbar

And noone can help me but You.

When he talks like hu understands, but he doesnt It makes me feel disgusted When he talks about me being unable to erect as if he knows everything but he doesnt, it disgust me. It makes me sick. He talks about failure of erection to cover that he knows about me being gay ... maybe that is what happens... that makes me wanna push him to hell There are two options, doing what he says to the doctor or clever people. And i think that will make me suffer, Or cut the family ties. But i must save my things. In two places. And i dont have space. I should rent a house for a moment, then i will buy a house by credit. Maybe that is the solution. He makes my headache getting worse. If i go his way, there will be two possibilities. if i am cured, they will acept me. If i am not cured, they will reject me. The first can solve everything. The second case makes more troubles. Before they reject me, i reject them. I just want to be left alone. Or maybe i can pretend to be normal. But that is so hard. If i see other gays, they can have wife and children. But i think they are tops. I dont know about me, i think i am top, but sometimes i am not. Or maybe they r bi. So they can do both. But i am not. I am disgusted in women in bed stuff. I try twice. I married twice. I failed twice. I hate women in bed. But apart from that, everything is ok. Going shopping with them is ok. Going sightseeing with them is ok. Going to the mall with them is ok. Going picnic with them is ok. Nongki with them is ok. Gosip with them is ok. Ngobrol with them is ok. Curhat with them is ok. What else? And suddenly the old lady comes to my room and give advice which has nothing to do with what really happen in ly life. She is more disgustting. Maybe i can find a lez for my fake wedding. That should cover everything. But i should find a really nice one. And she should have the same goal with me. To cheat the world. The dream is having a rent house to put everything. And then buy aa house. Adopt a kid. And live happily ever after. But i should think about family, neighbor, coworkers, and the fucking society. This makes me afraid of failure. The thinking of failure makes me want to be normal but that kills me inside. Or maybe i should end my life and go with sutiyah. The other thought is that i move to far away place. And live my way. I think i have a friend there. Maybe i can move there. Maybe i can find a job there. Maybe in there everything will be ok. She pretends to be on my side. Her language sounds fine. But she is fishing my words. I dont buy that. I still believe in me. I study psychology. My thesis is psychology. My disertation is psychology. I know what she is doing. That makes me sick to the core. Maybe i should bomb them with the truth. And dare them to do what they want. Do u think i cant erect? Wrong Do u think i want women? Wrong Since when? Since i was born The first wet dream is with girl? Wrong Do i dream about girl? Wrong Even once? Never They want to take me to clever people. Lets do that. They want to take me to doctor. Lets do that. But if those fail, i dare them to take me to islamic clever people. I want rukyah. I want them to know that there is no devil inside me. Or vice versa. There are a lot of devils inside me. But if the ritual damages my brain, who will be responsible? Will they take care of me? I dont think so. I just believe in Allah. I believe He will take care of me all the time till the end of time. Up to now. I always believe that i am right. This is baesd on western teacher/education/world/nature/thinking. My kind of people are never regarded as sick. We are ok. We are fine. We are not sick. But that is not happen here, in east, in my family. They consider my people sick. They consider me sick. Thay want to cure me. This makes me crazy, disgusted. And consequently i hate them. Because they are not on my side. Uncounciously, i force them to be on my side, by doing nothing. I want them learn by themselves. That my people are not sick. That i am not sick. (if u read this.. please save me) I think it is time for me to surrender. Let them do what they want to me. Coz i have nowhere to go. I think my dream will never come true. I think they will never accept me as i am. They will accept me if i do what they want. If i am what they want. And that is not me at all. I should surrender. I will surrender. But if the pressure is really hard to handle, and i cant take it anymore, i dont know what will i do (maybe i know!!!) All my life i believe that i dont deserve to be loved. When i was born, they are divorced, and they put me with my grandma, my dearest grandma... who i consider her more as a mom than my mom. Then the new fam takes me for 6 years, but i never felt love in those years, then i learn to live by myself since i go to college. Up to now till i work. The one and only person who i believe love me dearly is my grandma. But she has gone now. I have noone else anymore. Should i go with her? Should i chase her to the other side? I always pity myslef like this. I put myself in a pity situation. And i describe that situation in my head perfectly. But i guess those are the truths. That is what happen in my life. I just realize that i blame them for what they did to my life. And now i connect my sentences to dian long time ago and what dad just said before. But now i blame them again. The sign told me that she tells everyone about my problem. What kind of mom is that. She wants to be the center of attention. She tells everyone as if she wants to tell them that she has this kind of son, she has a big problem, she should be the center of attention. Parents should cover the mole of their children. But not her. She tells everyone (her version of the story). That is why i never tells her anything. God.. You knew and You always know what i do. I tell You everything. To You, and only You. No othe rplace. No other person. I believe You are the source of every relieve. Noone should know how long i put my forhead on the meat. Noone should know how many tears i have when i face You. Coz i believe You know everything. And noone can help me but You.

Friday, May 20, 2016

Monday, May 16, 2016

Tuesday, May 10, 2016

Letter to god

First is stress of moving... very stress... want a way out... Then stressed of being rejected Then i think that this is god’s way to give me solution Then they confiscated the letter of family and the letter of marriage I thought they will process my divorce Then i receive the letter from her In some way i feel relieve I feel free I want her to be happy But i cannot make her happy I realize that But my fam dont know at all They are very stupid

Poitif: bodo, notmoving, s3

First i thought about taking her to my home town Now i plan to be alone in the mountain First i am really stressed about moving there Coz it makes me very afraid If i move there i must resign I dont have a job there I should manage business for my inlaw I feel inferior I feel like a slave I am scared of that First i want to have my postgrad Now i feel it is very difficult to make a proposal I feel something blocking my mind I accuse inlaw But that is not true The truth is i am lazy Now i should force myself to finish everything