the meaning of life

the meaning of life

when i was in junior high, i had an intention to commit suicide. then one of my friend give me a really good sentence to pray before i go to bed.
"LORD, if my life is worth for other, bring me back to life in the morning. but if my dead worth for other, let me be with YOU."
since then up to now i always say that pray at night. in the morning when i wake up, i ask to myself "why am i still alive? what is my life for?". then i am thinking that maybe my life is having the purpose for the other.
one recent prove. my scanner is broken when i want to scan my own documents. but when my friend ask me to scan her document, my scan works well.
when my mind wanders everywhere, sometimes i think that maybe my life has a pirpose to teach others' kid. then i a happy i found my purpose. but when the reality struck, i am depressed when there are a lot of naughty kids as my students.....
then i ask the LORD what if the purpose doing this if i am not happy. can i be what i want that can make me happy? can i be a host in travelling program? i love to travel around the world. but it costs plenty. i dont hv money. if i work as a host of travelling program, the program will pay my travelling and they will give me salary too....how wonderful is that>>>>>
then i imagine becoming famous. a lot of talk shows invite me as a guest. i imagine i am really good at talking. but the reality struck again. i am not good in talking and socializing. how can i answer the host? how can i build a long conversation with the host? how can i make a wonderful dialog with the host? when i want to express something, usually i can make it in one sentence. then i can expand no more.
that reality killing my other dream. i want to be a writer. as a writer we are demanded to be able to express our mind, our thougt, our feeling in many sentences.
see...all i do is complaining and complaining. never do something to solve our own problem. just pity myself all the time. what kind of person i am.....