edan season 4

9:07pm Muhammad Arief Budiman Don makes me amburadul. Goc's story makes me more amburadul. He started his gay life in senior high. Now he has a cute boy. And he showed me his ex who is also very cute. Damn his taste is very high. And he is so lucky to have two cute boys. He must be very good thus the lord gives him such life. Make me jealous. And I just realize that I am beyond his range. I feel so depressed. I feel very lonely. I need somebody to hold me. X_X.•*°*•..Hä Ð?ê?.•*°*•.. X_X galau kumat 9:07pm Muhammad Arief Budiman God help me. Show me the sign whether I have to end it or I can continue it. Do I have to recall everything? The first time knowing him is just in bb. He ignores me first cz he said he hd a bf. Then he got dumped. And go to jkt to heal his heart. That is when he agree to hv sex with me. Then he go back to smg and we hd sex. He treats me bad but I fall for him. I can't go apart from him. I am afraid he uses magic on me. Then he asks money to buy bb but then I found out he go to jkt. And I believe he hv many men there. Then he asked money to go to smg. He went back to smg with new expensive stuffs. How come he ask money to me but able to buy expensive stuffs. That is why I got dirty mind that he become a hooker in jkt. It hurts my feeling and I want to get angry to him but when I meet him I can't angry to him. I want to love him. How crazy is that. Then he do shits to me again. He asks money again. He go again. Enough lorddddddddddddd 9:32am Muhammad Arief Budiman Dimanapun kau berada Orang mau bilang apa Namun hati ini milikmu Di relung hatiku terdalam Inilah cintaku untukmu Dengan ini Aku berharap Rasa ini berbalas Menyayaingmu membuat Aku tak kuasa Walo apa yang terjadi Apa yang takkan terjadi Nangis pun tak mampu selesaikan smw 9:33am Muhammad Arief Budiman The thing is that in my mind I think u have a lot of sex in jakarta when u delcon me. At that time I don't konw why I didn't feel hurt. But now I do feel hurt a lot. And then u hv ur dp about john. I think he is ur future husband. And that makes me hurt more. Lord I really don't understand why u force me to come back under his feet. 9:34am Muhammad Arief Budiman 9:36am Muhammad Arief Budiman Pada siapa aku harus berdusta Tak bisa kubohongi mata Tak bisa kutipu rasa Semua mengarah padanya Yang ada nun jauh disana Entah dengan siapa One side of me wants to be alone. Being sad by myself. Being miserable by myself. Being depressed by myself. But another part of can't stand to be alone to bear this pain. This is the first time I experience this kind of pain. I don't know what to do to handle this. I hope I get suggestions from a lot of people who have more experience in this area. Or maybe I will google by myself, try to find articles about handling broken heart. 2:52am Muhammad Arief Budiman What should I write to erase this pain? Nothing can make u go away from my brain. I can't do anything else. Even my jobs got ruin because of u. If I just can bury myself on works like I used to that would be nicee. 2:52am Muhammad Arief Budiman I can't support ur life. I am poor. I run out of money. I try to stay away from u. But it is impossible. Whatever I do, u r all over my mind. This makes me crazy. I have negative thought that u use magic to conquer me. I will pray to god to protect me from all dark forces out there including yours. Better find someone on my league than being poor. Being poor is not nicee at all. I know it hurts a lot but I have to do this. I have no future with him. I will be miserable if I continue dating him. I will be a loser loving someone who loves someone else. He is very expensive. He is high maintenance. The clubbing habit, the karaoke habit, the taxi habit, the food, the smoke, the drink, ...... Everything... I wonder why the lord doesn't make me meet him when I was rich. What would I be? Seeeeeeeeeeeeee this is mosque. And my brain is just full of him. Whatever I do, wherever I am, whenever the time is, I just can't get him out of my mind. He thinks that he is the centre of the world. And that everything revolve around him. And he expects that it is everybody who should show love to him and not the other way around. I used to think like that. I thought I am the center of the world and I thought I have the most interesting story of all. And I wished every single person on this earth pays attention to me. 3:00am Muhammad Arief Budiman I hv a thought that says I will be happy there coz they hv free life style unlike here which opresses the life style of our people. I should change this. My happiness is not determined by place but by my own being. If I can find and build and create situations and conditions which can make me happy thus I believe I will be happy no matter where I live 3:01am Muhammad Arief Budiman I can't support ur life. I am poor. I run out of money. I try to stay away from u. But it is impossible. Whatever I do, u r all over my mind. This makes me crazy. I have negative thought that u use magic to conquer me. I will pray to god to protect me from all dark forces out there including yours. Better find someone on my league than being poor. Being poor is not nicee at all. I know it hurts a lot but I have to do this. I have no future with him. I will be miserable if I continue dating him. I will be a loser loving someone who loves someone else. He is very expensive. He is high maintenance. The clubbing habit, the karaoke habit, the taxi habit, the food, the smoke, the drink, ...... Everything... I wonder why the lord doesn't make me meet him when I was rich. What would I be? Seeeeeeeeeeeeee this is mosque. And my brain is just full of him. Whatever I do, wherever I am, whenever the time is, I just can't get him out of my mind. He thinks that he is the centre of the world. And that everything revolve around him. And he expects that it is everybody who should show love to him and not the other way around. I used to think like that. I thought I am the center of the world and I thought I have the most interesting story of all. And I wished every single person on this earth pays attention to me. 3:04am Muhammad Arief Budiman It hurts like hell. But I tell my heart that everything will be okay. Time heals everything. I hope god doesn't send this kind of pain anymore. I pray that he will dissappear. Now he really disappears. What will happen with me? I don't know. Need someone to hold me tight. 3:04am Muhammad Arief Budiman Tuhannnnnnnnnnn sungguh...... Beri aku petunjuk bagaimana enjoy pain...... Haruskah ku delcon dia? Sakit rasanya melihat status cintanya ditujukan utk org laen. Sakit rasanya melihat dp cintanya ditujukan utk org laen. Besok aja ya. Beri aku kekuatan utk men delcon dirinya. Dan beri aku kekuatan utk melanjutkan hidup. Aku benerbener tersesat. Aku butuh dirimu secara nyata. Mendekapku. Memelukku. Menggandengku. Menuntunku. Berikan bahumu agar ku bisa menangis. Ijinkan ku keluarkan airmataku agar ku lega. Semua terasa nyesek. Beri aku kekuatan utk merelakannya pergi. Terimakasih utk pelajaran cinta ini. 3:05am Muhammad Arief Budiman Damn I miss u so much. I can't get u out of my mind. At my office, u r on my mind. At my room, u r on my mind. On d street, u r on my mind. I eat at store, u r on my mind. Wherever I go, u r on my mind. Sometime my mouth smiles when u appear on my brain. Sometime my tears fall when I remember u. I watch movie, I remember u. I hear love song, u come into my head. What happen with me? What you do to me? 3:05am Muhammad Arief Budiman Skrg aku tak bs membedakan sakit ati sama patah hati. Seharian hati rasanya ga karuan. Kukira semua ini karenamu. Aku benerbener stres gatau hrs gimana. Sdh kucoba lakukan semua tuk melupakanmu. Namun semua gagal. Kucoba sibukkan diri. Tp dirimu msh tetap mampu menjajah pikiranku. Gagal semua kerjaku. Amburadul semua tugasku. Sampai kapan ini terjadi. Aku ga sanggup lagi. 140313 3:06am Muhammad Arief Budiman Final answer Aku tak bisa memaksamu pulang k semarang. Aku akan sll berdoa utk kesuksesanmu d masa mendatang. Aku akan berdoa kau akan menemukan seseoorg disana yg mampu mencintaimu melebihi aku. Entah kau sadar apa tidak namun aku sudah bener2 jatuhcinta padamu. Aku tdk pernah pintar mengungkapkan cinta krn ini yg pertama bagiku. Sumpah. Umur tak ada hubungannya dengan ini semua. Walo aku sdh tua aku blm pernah merasa seperti ini. Ketika pertama kali bertemu kau cerita bahwa kau baru patahhati dengan mantanmu. Itu yg sll kutakutkan. Akan selalu ada mantanmu dihatimu. Dan aku akan sll kalah oleh mantanmu. Juga kau bilang bahwa kau akan pindah k jakarta (dan buktinya benar kau pindah ke jakarta) makanya aku tdk pernah mengaku aku cinta padamu. Tp walo mukutku tak pernah mengatakan cinta, tapu hatiku sudah kau kuasai sepenuhnya. Tujuan pertama kali kita ketemu. Aku tau kita hanya menginginkan sex semata. Namun tak pernah kusangka, hatiku jatuh tersungkur dibawah kakimu. Namun apapun yg terjadi aku akan sll mencintaimu. Tulus kudoakan semoga dirimu menemukan kebahagiaan disana. Walo sebenarnya sakit. Namun kau pernah bilang enjoy the pain. Kamu juga pernah bilang bahwa cinta tak harus memiliki. Aku tak paham itu. Namun aku akan belajar. 3:07am Muhammad Arief Budiman Tibatiba kepikiran. Tuhan memberikan kejadian ini pasti ada hikmahnya. Dia menjauhkanku dari sesuatu yg buruk utkku. Mkn dia adl keburukan bagiku. Mkn dia akan menyedot diriku hingga kering kerontang. Makanya tuhan menjauhkannya dariku. Dan aku yakin tuhan akan segera memberikan pengganti yg jauh lebih baik dari dia. Jauhhhhhhhhhh lebih baik 3:07am Muhammad Arief Budiman X_X.•*°*•..Hä Ð?ê?.•*°*•.. X_X lagunya menyayat hati. Menambah garam pada luka menganga. Apakah semua ini hanya permainan belaka? Akhirnya kini aku mengerti apa yg ada d pikiranmu slama ini kau hanya ingin permainkan perasaanku tak ada hati tak aada cinta If cry can make me better, let me cry pls. Let the tears wash away my pain. Let the tears wash away all memories. Let me just keep the happy ones. Don't make me remember this part. I don't want to feel no more. Dan bila nanti kau disampingku, tak pernah letih tuk mencintaiku. 3:11am Muhammad Arief Budiman