while study……………………………………………

roaming the foreign land…………………………………………… experiencing the extreme sports…………………………………………… then updating status…………………………………………… is it being show off…………………………………………… I don’t think so…………………………………………… I will show it off only to him…………………………………………… reporting it daily…………………………………………… everyday…………………………………………… time to time…………………………………………… coz I want him around…………………………………………… all the time…………………………………………… till the end of time…………………………………………… see…………………………………………… expecting it…………………………………………… dreaming it…………………………………………… hoping it…………………………………………… wishing it…………………………………………… it is torturing ……………………………………………

what did i think.....................................

i had a lot of it..................................... when i was in there..................................... not concentrate..................................... wandering around the world..................................... the most wanted one is..................................... that i do go there..................................... then it is holiday..................................... then my friends go picnic\..................................... then i am alone in campus..................................... then i was invited by a lecturer..................................... then go to his hometown..................................... then roaming his hometown..................................... then updating status..................................... then go back to campus..................................... then he is willing to be my mentor..................................... then updating status..................................... go back to homeland..................................... search scholarship..................................... go back there again..................................... getting the study .....................................

am I really depressed again…………………………………

remembering all the accident………………………………… sorry sis for the car………………………………… and the pressure is getting intense………………………………… they gave me the date………………………………… the fourteenth………………………………… getting scared again………………………………… and he comes to the office………………………………… asking bout it………………………………… give him explanation………………………………… he seems happy if I don’t go………………………………… should I get hurt………………………………… lord………………………………… make me strong………………………………… is he the one………………………………… who wish bad for me………………………………… in the name of lord………………………………… don’t want to think him negatively………………………………… in the name of lord………………………………… if it is him………………………………… lord help him please………………………………… make him nice to others………………………………… and help me too………………………………… protect me from those kind of people …………………………………

what…………………………………………

it has been eighteen days………………………………………… I did become crazy………………………………………… I did become insane………………………………………… I did become depressed………………………………………… I did crash a bridge with sis car………………………………………… I did stepped on my own glasses………………………………………… I did have a lot of unfortunate events………………………………………… I don’t remember them all………………………………………… all of them are connected to that one particular occasion………………………………………… ‘coz I am depressed………………………………………… so it affects all………………………………………… negatively………………………………………… it is enough lord………………………………………… I am tired………………………………………… then suddenly I think of fund………………………………………… that I should return it completely………………………………………… just surrender to him………………………………………… if it is time………………………………………… if he allows there will be a way………………………………………… coz I had used it rightly all this time………………………………………… for paper………………………………………… for going back and forth processing the paper………………………………………… for several times …………………………………………

stupid me…………………………………………

today I don’t go to work………………………………………… just sleep all day………………………………………… am I depressed again………………………………………… as they say………………………………………… people in depression do not know that they are in it………………………………………… I should go to work………………………………………… after praying………………………………………… then doing paper at the office………………………………………… of going there at noon\………………………………………… just absent and go somewhere else………………………………………… going to mall………………………………………… to café………………………………………… surfing the net there………………………………………… as usual………………………………………… happiness is simple …………………………………………

I get annoyed if ones ask me…………………………………………

how bout us………………………………………… when will you go………………………………………… I get irritated coz I don’t know the answer………………………………………… I get angry coz that experience is full of pain………………………………………… lord help me………………………………………… the visa is being processed………………………………………… with no certainty………………………………………… not being rejected………………………………………… not being accepted………………………………………… just being delayed………………………………………… with no explanation at all………………………………………… confusing me to the max………………………………………… so if there is next person ask about it………………………………………… answer that I don’t know it yet………………………………………… just ask for pray from them………………………………………… if there is a limit from the minister………………………………………… of limit from that place………………………………………… that decide I cant go………………………………………… then the answer will change………………………………………… being cancelled………………………………………… just like that………………………………………… in the name of lord ………………………………………………….

people do pray in many kind of ways\…………………………

some do pray with performing some kind of ceremony………………………… expressing their gratitude………………………… expressing the act of togetherness………………………… expressing the act to guard the ecosystem………………………… but the extremists hate this………………………… they condemn this………………………… and I remember my group………………………… I think some of them becoming ones………………………… it is scary………………………… but just lets focus on ourselves first………………………… making ourselves better………………………… to face him………………………… it is special month………………………… the month of cleanliness………………………… I should clean my body………………………… my room………………………… my house………………………… my motor………………………… everything………………………… he will love this…………………………

he said…………………………

reading verses is done by all creatures………………………… including babies………………………… except human and jinns………………………… just like human………………………… there are many kinds of jinns………………………… the good ones………………………… the bad ones………………………… they do busy with their own business………………………… their worldly things………………………… they should not be like that………………………… the world should not overdo them………………………… they should overdo the world………………………… reading his verses………………………… it will make us always remember him………………………… so we will never be desperate………………………… it is the most dangerous thing in the world………………………… they say we lack of entertainment………………………… we should entertain ourselves enough………………………… and we should mingle with others………………………… as others will give us inputs about a lot of things………………………… some of desperate people commit suicide………………………… god hates this thing………………………… they said the earth will not accept them………………………… the sky will not accept them………………………… the hell will not accept them………………………… the heaven will not accept them………………………… it is better for us to be crazy………………………… the crazy ones are free of all………………………… from all kinds of rule………………………… human rule………………………… god rule…………………………

fragrance…………………………

angels love it………………………… medics said it will make us relax………………………… I should do this………………………… make myself it………………………… make my room it………………………… make my house it………………………… make my motor it………………………… everything should be it………………………… then they will come………………………… surrounding me………………………… protecting me………………………… from all the evils things in this world………………………… and lead me to the right path………………………… all the time …………………………

I want to get special treatment…………………………

that is so wrong………………………… everybody is equal………………………… just like one of the visitors said………………………… we are all the same before him………………………… after talking to mrb………………………… I realize something………………………… when mrg said I should read one of his verses………………………… and I learn about the meaning………………………… as I remember it said god does everything………………………… he can make it happen………………………… and he can make it doesn’t happen………………………… maybe mrg knows what happen now………………………… and I should reflect on the verses………………………… that all of this happens because of him………………………… I should do more on good deed………………………… more and more …………………………

once one predicted about my future…………………………

that while I just only sit money will come by itself………………………… I will get that kind of thing………………………… is there any other meaning behind all this………………………… like this job of teaching………………………… usually I teach while sitting………………………… or is there any other thing………………………… maybe I should not work………………………… just sit around doing nothing………………………… although I work I will not get the fund………………………… don’t believe in prediction………………………… keep trying………………………… keep working………………………… fund is in his hand………………………… the harder I try………………………… the bigger amount of the fund will come………………………… effort will not betray result …………………………

mrg said that I should read one of his verses…………………………

is there another meaning from this suggestion………………………… hidden meaning………………………… that I should reflect myself………………………… from those verses………………………… that all of this is his doing………………………… that now I don’t know the reason yet………………………… but I should accept it………………………… I should have a big heart………………………… I should surrender………………………… in the name of lord …………………………