Maybe..................

My mistake wasnot respond to her.................. Her hungry.................. To accompany her eating.................. She is weird.................. Then it is me.................. Before you.................. I give it all to you.................. I knew how she treated mrs ef.................. I knew how she treated mr eits.................. And i remember how she wants me.................. To always cling to her.................. Not stay away from her.................. Just wait and see.................. There will be two.................. She will be angry to me.................. And ignore me.................. And torture me.................. Mentally.................. And the other possibility is.................. She needs help again.................. And she will use me.................. Just like the first time we get close.................. I just realize that now..................

What was that..................

I just thought that.................. If she tortures me mentally.................. I will get thinner.................. Thx god.................. Or maybe it is god’s way.................. To show me that she is bad.................. And he wants me to stay away.................. God help me .................. I cant get her out of my head.................. It is torturing.................. Fuck.................. Damn.................. Want to go crazy..................

The new thought..................

This place is like hell.................. And he puts me here.................. If i can make it.................. If i survive this place.................. Maybe he will put me in heaven.................. Or heaven-like place.................. Some kind of paradise.................. That would be nice.................. This thought keeps me going.................. To be strong.................. To eliminate all obstacles.................. To conquer all problems.................. So it counts.................. Happy thought counts.................. How you behave.................. How you react.................. It is good.................. I can do this..................

Get stressed..................

He promised to help.................. To watch the test.................. But suddenly.................. He cancelled.................. Then i got depressed.................. I had many plans.................. So much works.................. So much to do.................. Damn.................. Fuck..................

Weird things happen..................

Dont know.................. She changes.................. I think i did a mistake.................. But dont know what.................. What the hell.................. Hope she is fine.................. If it will ruin my relationship here.................. Then so be it.................. As long as you dont leave me.................. I will survive.................. No matter how hard it is.................. Dont know how he handles it.................. He is really wonderful.................. Just realize it now.................. Amazing.................. Admire him more..................

I just realize...............

She puts me in the same schedule as her............... And i watch her............... I dont want to be like her............... I was her............... Long time ago............... The thought comes............... Is it because she has hidden agenda............... She has favorite students............... And so she lets the rule be loose............... For her favorite students especially............... And for the whole class generally...............

So...............

This is how it feels............... Being bad............... Being criminal............... It is good, isnt it............... I cant deny myself............... This is scary............... What if it becomes habit............... And i am bad all the time............... What will happen............... Crazy thought............... Maybe i would do all those thoughts............... The thoughts in my head............... That has been there for so long............... But dont have courage to do them............... Being chicken............... Being criminal i would not have fear............... Is criminal having fear............... No hey dont............... I dont think so...............

They protest my test...............

I just realize............... That when i watch other test............... Other subject of other teacher............... The students finish fast............... It seems that the questions are easy............... And when students do my test............... They finish long............... And they blame me............... They think i give difficult questions............... What the hell............... So i should spoil them............... Give easy questions............... Like other teacher............... What the hell............... That is not educating them............... Lord help me............... What will happen to those students............... If they cant handle difficult questions...............

New thought...............

I am not good in judging people............... I judge her to be good............... But now i am not sure............... I judge the other to be bad............... But now i am confused............... May god help me............... Show me light............... Who is bad............... Who is good............... Who is enemy............... Who is friend............... That will take me............... To his place...............

The plan is...............

To do a job while conducting duty............... But it is not happening............... They are reckless............... Have to show who i really am............... To destroy them is easy............... But not that............... right? ............... Questioning myself now............... Maybe this has been happening for sometimes............... And i must change that............... That is not good............... I should make it good............... Maybe this is why he puts me here............... Maybe this is the reason............... So much self confidence............... This is not good............... For me............... Time for horror............... Make them suffer............... Have a little joy............... For myself............... Sacrifice others............... There will be time............... For me............... To sacrifice myself...............

And i got them again...............

Hooray............... Feel good............... Though the heart is racing like hell............... But it is ok............... Lets celebrate............... Lets dance............... Kill them all............... Wish can find another word............... To replace the kill thing............... So others will not know............... What actually happen in my head............... Really wish to have that kind of power............... Power of killing............... Power of destruction............... Power of extermination............... Power of exploder............... Would that be great............... Awesome...............

They say he is strange and dangerous...............

I just talked to him............... A lot............... Hope my words dont become sword............... That will kill me............... Will destroy this league............... Hope he is kind............... Dont use my words badly............... Use them wisely............... For the sake of the league............... May lord help us all............... Guard us all............... Guide us all............... All the way............... To the beautiful light............... At the end of the tunnel...............

I take two...............

My heart is racing............... I am sorry............... But i have to............... You two do mistake............... Hope you learn............... Hope you understand............... Hope lord understand............... He does understand............... Whatever happens happen............... This is it............... Being crazy again............... Kill them all............... Be happy............... Be content............... All the time’...............

Up to now...............

The purpose of my teaching is............... To be loved by students............... That makes me do weird things............... Including this............... Let them slip away............... Doing mistake............... Not anymore............... Switch the brain............... I will be strict............... I will force them............... I will use scary methods............... I will apply hard teaching............... Any possible way............... To make them work hard............... It is for their sake............... So to say............... May lord understand my plan............... He does understand...............

New thought...............

Up to now............... There are many negative thought............... About the place where i work............... Switch the brain............... I will tell myself............... I will tell others............... The goodness of my students............... The greatness of my coworkers............... The amazingness of my workplace............... The wonderfulness of my institution............... That way............... Unconsciously............... I will love my workplace............... Others will love it too............... God will love it too............... He will bless it............... And will pour a lot of blessings...............

Good plan...............

Telling them............... How very strict i am............... About the asignment............... About the assessment............... About the exam............... About the quiz............... And it is ok for them............... To hate me............... As long as they are clever............... It is ok for them to hate me............... As long as............... They promise themselves............... They promise to god............... They promise me............... They will be smart...............

Thx u...............

For being nice students............... Good prays go for all of you............... But actually i should pray............... For all of you whether............... You are good or not............... But if you are not good............... It is very difficult to pray............... For you all............... But i will try............... Switch my brain now............... Hope everything will be............... Amazing for your future............... Your life............... Your family...............

Stupid me...............

The sign of being reckless............... Not ready for fatherhood............... I let the girl cross the street............... By herself............... Very stupid me............... That was dangerous............... And then i let the mom and the girl............... Wait for the pickup............... By themselves............... Not accompanying them............... Abd i realize it late............... So that was the lesson............... To strike my brain............... That i am really not that clever...............

The sound of the horn...............

Special horn............... That they say............... It is a simple happiness............... The fence............... The love............... The whisper............... Lets kill them............... It always shows up............... The word............... The negative word............... But that is how i feel right now............... Finally............... I got one............... Thank to mrs ef............... It is because of her............... Actually there are more............... But i am stupid...............

Now...............

Time to be grateful............... That i can write so many things............... I can pass the time............... With horror in my chest............... But i am safe............... Noone can kill me............... Except him of course............... He is the one............... Who can do anything............... To me............... To this world............... To the universe............... To save it............... To destroy it............... As he wish...............

I swear...............

This is strange............... I let them go again. ............................. What the hell............... What the fuck............... What is happening............... Is it the place............... It is scary............... And then............... He mentioned some errors before............... Really want to kill them............... Oh lord............... This aura............... It is scary............... Make me hot............... Make me want to explode............... Oh lord............... Are you here............... Wish you here............... With me............... To kill them...............

The disturbance comes...............

And then it goes............... Hope everything is allright............... Just like before............... The wish is that i can............... Catch one of them for doing mistake............... But the reality is i cant............... I see some of them doing mistake............... But this butts are glued to this chair............... This is strange............... So dont get angry if you dont catch anything............... It has been some opportunities............... And you let them go............... Stupid me............... Will not do that again............... I swear...............

It happens again...............

Mrs em............... Scary............... She said something against mr eits............... The longer i stay............... The more i know............... What actually happen............... In this place............... Hope everybody is safe............... Including me............... Dont want to be selfish............... The first thing appears on my brain............... Is to rescue myself............... Not anymore............... Want everybody else is also rescued............... Everything happens for reason............... Hope it is a good reason............... God bless us all...............

I want that kind of person...............

But i got this kind of person............... What happen............... Dont know............... Have no clue............... Maybe there is something............... Hidden meanings............... Blessing in disguise............... Hope for that............... My heart is racing............... It is happening............... Damn............... Fuck them all............... Kill them all............... I dont care............... I am my own self............... This is me............... Against the world............... Lets do that...............

I wish i can be strict...............

But dont know what happen............... Today is a strange day............... Let them slip............... I should not............... I will be strict............... Will kill them all............... Seriously............... No more mercy............... No more nice............... It is time to fight............... For something great............... Wonderful............... Sometimes in the future............... Without failing............... Without falling............... Just flying............... To the successfull sky...............

There are some points...............

And i promise myself............... To do them one by one............... Day by day............... One point in one day............... Will do that............... Bismilah............... Hope lord is with me............... Hope he help me............... To finish these points............... Till the end............... And then i get the reward............... And i will give it back to you............... It is all for you............... I swear............... I am scared lately............... Feel like it is close now............... The end of every thing...............