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Where Are You, God?

Where are You, God?

Not in the sermons
that dissolve with the morning,
not in the verses
I can recite by memory,
but here—
where silence presses
its full weight against my chest.

Where are You?

I need You physically.
I need a hand that does not disappear
when I reach for it.
I need a voice
that breaks through the static
inside my mind.
I need something to touch,
something that says,
"You are not alone."

Because tonight,
my heart is a room
with every window open,
and still
there is no wind.

I feel so very sad.
The kind of sadness
that teaches clocks
to move more slowly.
The kind that turns
ordinary breaths
into mountains.

I feel so very down.
Like a bird
that remembers the sky
but has forgotten
how to trust its wings.

I feel so very lost.
Not because I chose
the wrong road,
but because every road
looks the same
in the dark.

If You are here,
do not hide
behind mysteries.
Do not answer
only with echoes.
Come as warmth.
Come as light.
Come as a hand
strong enough
to hold my breaking.

If faith
is only believing
without seeing,
then forgive me—
tonight,
I ache
for seeing.

I ache
for touch.
For presence.
For certainty.

And if You cannot
stand before me
as flesh and bone,

then let Your love
become so undeniable
that it feels
like someone
has finally found me
in the wilderness
and whispered,

"You don't have to walk
the rest of the way

alone." 

i am tired

 

I'm sorry you're carrying that feeling.

If you're addressing God, you don't need perfect words. In Islam, Allah knows what is in your heart even before you speak it. If your heart feels heavy, that itself can become a prayer.

You might say something like:

"O Allah, You know what is in my heart. I feel uneasy, discouraged, and tired. If this feeling is a test, grant me patience. If it is a lesson, grant me understanding. If it is something holding me back from You, remove it from me. Fill my heart with peace, strengthen my faith, and guide me to what is best. I trust that You see what I cannot see. Ameen."

The Qur'an reminds believers:

"Indeed, with hardship comes ease." (Qur'an 94:5–6)

That doesn't mean hardship disappears immediately, but that it is never the whole story.

From what you've shared recently, you've been under a lot of academic pressure—presenting your proposal, comparing yourself with other researchers, and worrying that others receive more attention. Those situations can leave a lingering heaviness. Feeling discouraged after them doesn't mean you've failed or that your work has no value.

Sometimes the heart tells us a story that isn't the full truth:

• "Everyone is better than me."
• "I'm being ignored."
• "I'm not moving forward."

Those thoughts can feel convincing, but they are not reliable evidence of your future. Academic progress is often uneven, and recognition doesn't always come at the same time for everyone.

If it helps, take a few quiet moments tonight. Pray two rak'ahs if you're able, or simply sit and repeat:

Hasbunallahu wa ni'mal wakeel.
Allah is sufficient for us, and He is the best Disposer of affairs.

Or:

Allahumma inni as'aluka salamatan fil qalb.
O Allah, I ask You for peace in my heart.

May Allah grant you sakinah (tranquility), replace your anxiety with confidence, and bless your efforts with success at the right time. Ameen.

If you'd like, tell me what happened today that made your heart feel this way. I'm here to listen.

i feel very stupid after seeing his presentation. his presentation is very very good

I'm sorry you're feeling this way. That kind of comparison can hurt, especially when you've worked hard on your own research.

Seeing someone give an excellent presentation does not mean you're stupid. It means you saw someone who, at least in that moment, presented very well. Those are different conclusions.

From our conversations, I know you've been developing a doctoral research proposal, revising it based on professors' feedback, and thinking carefully about methodology. That isn't the work of a stupid person. It may still need improvement—every research project does—but improvement is different from lack of ability.

It's also worth remembering that presentations highlight strengths while hiding the process. You saw the polished version. You didn't see:

• how many times he practiced,
• how many drafts he discarded,
• how much feedback he received,
• or how long he's been working on that topic.

In Islam, comparison can quietly steal gratitude and hope. Allah says:

"Do not lose heart or despair..." (Qur'an 3:139)

That doesn't mean you'll never feel discouraged. It means discouragement doesn't get the final word.

You wrote a poem earlier that ended with:

There will be time.

God will work.

There will be time when I will move forward.

Those words are still true today, even if your emotions are telling you otherwise.

Instead of asking, "Why am I not as good as him?" try asking:

• What is one thing he did that I can learn from?
• Was it the way he organized his slides?
• The clarity of his explanation?
• His confidence?
• His storytelling?

An excellent presentation can become a model rather than a verdict on your own ability.

And one more thing: the fact that you admired his presentation says something positive about you. You recognized quality. Now your task is not to become him; it's to let what you observed improve your own work.

May Allah replace this feeling of inadequacy with wisdom and perseverance. Your journey doesn't end because someone else had a strong presentation today. It continues, one revision, one presentation, and one step at a time.

There Will Be Time

 

I know.

They are all
smarter than I am,
their words arriving
faster,
their ideas
sharper.

And I know.

Mister H
speaks with confidence.
He is always present,
always seen.
The professors
lean toward his voice,
their comments
finding him
again and again.

Perhaps
they admire him.

Let them.

Let them be.

I do not need
to compete
for every glance,
every nod,
every word
of approval.

Still—

there are days
when silence
feels personal.

Days when I wonder
if they notice
that I am here.

Days when it feels
as though
I have done nothing,
learned nothing,
become nothing.

My feet hesitate.

My heart refuses
to move forward.

But in the Lord's name,
I remember—

He exists.

He sees
what no one applauds.

He measures
what no one grades.

He prepares
what no one expects.

So I will wait.

Not in defeat,
but in faith.

Because there will be
a time

when my voice
will find its strength,

when my work
will find its purpose,

when my steps
will finally move
forward.

And when that day comes,

it will not be because
I was the loudest.

It will be because
God never stopped
walking beside me.

6 juli 26 senen

 

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Questions

 

They were asked a few questions,
then silence embraced them
like an old friend
who had been waiting all along.

I,
on the other hand,
stood beneath a storm
where every answer
became the seed
of another question.

Perhaps
my proposal was not polished enough.
Perhaps
my arguments still trembled.
Perhaps
I simply had more to learn.

It hurt.

For a fleeting moment,
I mistook correction
for failure,
and criticism
for proof
that I was not enough.

Then there was the noise.

A child wandered
through the room,
restless,
turning concentration
into scattered fragments.

Yet somehow,
when others stood
where I had stood,
the room was calm.

Coincidence?
Arrangement?
Fortune?

I will never know.

And perhaps
I no longer need to.

Because peace
does not come
from understanding
every unfair moment.

It comes
from choosing
not to let bitterness
write the ending.

So today,
I choose gratitude.

Gratitude
for the questions
that forced me to think deeper.

Gratitude
for the flaws
that refused
to let me settle
for mediocrity.

Gratitude
for surviving
the longest hour
of my academic journey.

Now,
my desk
is covered
with revisions—

pages bleeding
with ink,
comments,
and expectations.

It looks overwhelming.

But mountains
are never climbed
in a single step.

Page by page.
Sentence by sentence.
Correction by correction.

I will return.

Not because
I am already brilliant,

but because
I refuse
to let today's struggle
become tomorrow's regret.

One day,
these revisions
will no longer feel
like wounds.

They will become
the fingerprints
of perseverance—

proof
that I did not stop
when the questions
became too many.

Situational motivation and motivation

 

Situational motivation and motivation are related but represent different levels of specificity. The main difference lies in what causes the motivation and how stable it is over time.

Aspect	Motivation	Situational Motivation
Definition	A general psychological state or process that initiates, directs, and sustains behavior toward a goal.	A temporary form of motivation that arises in response to a specific situation, task, or learning environment.
Scope	Broad concept, including intrinsic, extrinsic, trait-like, and state-like motivation.	A specific type of state motivation experienced during a particular activity or context.
Stability	Can be relatively stable (e.g., a student's long-term motivation to learn English).	Highly dynamic and changes depending on the immediate context.
Influencing Factors	Personal interests, goals, values, self-efficacy, personality, social environment.	Teacher behavior, instructional design, AI tools, task difficulty, feedback, classroom atmosphere, peer interaction.
Duration	Can persist over weeks, months, or years.	Usually lasts only during or shortly after the learning activity.
Example	"I am motivated to become fluent in English."	"Using InquiryGPT today made me excited to complete this writing task."

Theoretical Perspective

Many educational psychologists distinguish between trait motivation (relatively enduring) and state or situational motivation (temporary).

According to John M. Keller, motivational conditions can be created by instructional design, meaning learners' motivation may increase or decrease depending on the learning experience itself.

Within Self-Determination Theory, developed by Edward L. Deci and Richard M. Ryan, situational motivation refers to motivation experienced in a specific context and is influenced by whether the activity satisfies learners' needs for autonomy, competence, and relatedness.

Example in AI-Assisted EFL Writing

Suppose students use InquiryGPT and ChatGPT.

• General motivation
• "I enjoy learning English writing."
• This reflects a relatively stable disposition toward learning English.
• Situational motivation
• "During today's InquiryGPT activity, I felt highly motivated to revise my essay because the prompts helped me think critically."
• This reflects motivation elicited by the specific instructional experience.

Which should you use in research?

It depends on your research objective.

• Use motivation if you are interested in students' overall motivation toward learning English or writing across time.
• Use situational motivation if you want to evaluate the motivational effect of a particular instructional intervention, such as InquiryGPT, ChatGPT, project-based learning, or a specific lesson.

For intervention studies in AI-assisted learning, situational motivation is often the more appropriate construct because it captures learners' immediate motivational responses to the instructional treatment.

Summary

• Motivation = the broad, overarching construct that explains why people engage in behavior.
• Situational motivation = a context-specific, short-term form of motivation triggered by a particular learning situation.

For a quasi-experimental study comparing InquiryGPT and ChatGPT in an EFL writing course, situational motivation would generally provide a more sensitive measure of the intervention's immediate impact than a broad measure of motivation.

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