Ponorogo-madiun-solo-smg-aan-kfc
Monday, August 4, 2014
25 juli 14 jumat
Ikip
Gym
Aan
Citraland
Buka d 99 cafe
Magrib
Nyari microsd
Tarawih d baiturohman
Diner at kakamoo cafe
20 juli 14 minggu
Gym
Potong
Putu
Ngemall
Sport station
Margaria
Basilia
Tongsis
Levis + baju
Android
Putu
Adoption-----
i dont know why u forbid this kind of thing??? What bad will happen out of this??? I really want a kid. But i dont want to remarry (for now) i dont know until when this feeling will stay.
But now what i really want is a kid. I just want you to bless me in this. Show me the way. Show me the process. show me everything. Just like u show me everything good in my life.
I want this for so long. But i always postpone it. Actually i dont postpone it, i just never do anything about this. The intention is there all along. I juat want u to move me. Actually i understand that it is me who have to move myself. (that is what i realize just now).
Once, i tried to send melvin to school, be he doesnt want to. Then i try to send aan to school, and he doesnt want to either.
I dont want to postpone it anymore. I dont know when will i die. I wish i could adpot a kid or many more before i die.
Now (actually yesterday when i was in ponorogo). when family from sumoroto visits grandma, one of them is om win’s son. They say that he just graduate from senior high. And he will not do anything. I want to send him to school, here, in ups, with me. Will you allow me?
But i am afraid to say that to my family back then. Give me courage to say that to my family this saturday when we will have family gathering.
Geng warna vs geng ikip-
----- putu has already moved away. Mbak wik will move next year. The only left behind is mbak sari. Hope can get along with her.
But i predict it will never be the same. Mak nyak is all over my life. Everything happen in my days, i report to her. And her comments always calm my mind, sooth my brain. She always around when i need her. When i have trouble, i always come to her. She takes me to eat, she takes me to mall, she takes me everywhere, who will do that now????
I predict life will be hard from now on wothout her around.
Then i got another geng. When i got accepted in ikip, i get along well with fitri, ipah n ika. Then fitri passed away. Ipah and ika slip away. They have their own business now. Work consumes all of our times. It is really hard to gather together. This office kills our time. And honestly i can be very very close to them like how close i am with mak nyak.
What will hapepn to me now? Lord????? I dont want to be ungrateful. I will accept whatever you give me. Although i dont know what it will be, i will try so hard to be grateful. Maybe i will consider it as not the same with what i want. Maybe you more understand what i want, what is better for me, what is better for my life.
Hard teaching--
---- as i remember, when i was a kid, i always cry when after school i dont find sty at home. She just goes somewhere and not say to me. When she comes home and find me crying, she perceives that i dont want to be left behind. Without confirming the reason i cry(I cry coz i am afraid to be left behind, to be left alone, to live by myself, to be homeless without nobody and no family and no relatives. )
, she just beats me. And i am happy to be like that. She can beat me as long as she is present. She can do whatever to me as long as she is in my face and my eyes in person. Not like nwt that is never around. I percieve her beating as symbol of her love.
And that goes on to my personality up to now. I perceieve love as something painful. If someone doing something painful to me, i percieve that the person loves me.
I wonder if it is what really happen to me now??? That kind of pain??? Pain on bed??? Is that also love??? Is my brain think that pain on bed is love???
Maybe so. Maybe yes, maybe no. I dont know. But that is what happening up to now. That kind of pain (the kind of pain that only god knows).
Sty vs nwt
---- – they dont know but they act they now. They say what they believe to be my mind. But all they say is all wrong.
They say that i am not ready to meet them. But that is not the case. The case is that i am not ready but i really dont want to meet them. This is my way to torture them. This is my way to show the lord that i dont need them.
But let the god and the only god knows what is really happen. God knows that i always mention them in my prayer.
Do they know and understand what is really happening? Dont they remember what was happening?
She just delivered me to this world. That was all. (and carried me in her womb for nine months) that was all (although we cannot say ‘that was all’ coz that process was really heavy stuff).
As i remember, sty is the one who raise me when i was a baby. She loves me, she cares for me. She nurtures me. She always be there for me. Till i was a kid.
Then i was placed to be with nwt for a while. (though i cant remember if it was a happy memory or sad one) though i should always be grateful to the lord for what all happening in this life.
This writing is not like what i plan. All the thought has its own expostulation.
What i plan is like this. That moment my mouth could not say anything. This is what i want to say: when i live with nwt i really try hard to fit in. But that was so hard. When they cast me away, i am not sad at all. I am very relieve. I was so happy. I dont have to pretend to be someone else no more.
Being cast away is so painful. If you never expereince this, dont say u feel what i feel. It is ok if u cast me away. I will be fine. I have my god. And i have sty. U can live or u can die, i dont care. I will have sty as my mama. I will have heaven in sty foot. I will follow her to the grave. I will be happy as long as sty is around.
As far as i know, there are no parents cast away their children. But this is happening to me. U dont expereince this. U dont know what kind of pain i have. But u never allow me to express what i fell. So just let the lord knows what i feel inside.
This is not me being not ready. This is me following ur saying. U cast me away. U dont want me as ur child. So that is what i do. I dont want to be ur shild anymore. I will have sty as my mama.
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