Hard teaching--

---- as i remember, when i was a kid, i always cry when after school i dont find sty at home. She just goes somewhere and not say to me. When she comes home and find me crying, she perceives that i dont want to be left behind. Without confirming the reason i cry(I cry coz i am afraid to be left behind, to be left alone, to live by myself, to be homeless without nobody and no family and no relatives. ) , she just beats me. And i am happy to be like that. She can beat me as long as she is present. She can do whatever to me as long as she is in my face and my eyes in person. Not like nwt that is never around. I percieve her beating as symbol of her love. And that goes on to my personality up to now. I perceieve love as something painful. If someone doing something painful to me, i percieve that the person loves me. I wonder if it is what really happen to me now??? That kind of pain??? Pain on bed??? Is that also love??? Is my brain think that pain on bed is love??? Maybe so. Maybe yes, maybe no. I dont know. But that is what happening up to now. That kind of pain (the kind of pain that only god knows).