You can create that kind of sorrow................

Where i cant cry over it................ And i know................ What i have done................ I just wait for the karma................ I deserve what is coming................ The run away is no use................ You will find me................ Everywhere................ On this world................ And beyond................ So i just stay still................ Stay here................ Wait for you................ To come................ To get me................

You show me greatness................

You show me love................ You show me care................ But you show me death................ The time after................ It is better for you................ To punch my face................ Than to pucnh my heart................ It is so damn hurt................ Fuck................ The pain is unbearable................ Drowning you................ Put you in the hollow state................ Just be numb................

Father father................

You never there................ You never say................ You never show................ What to do................ How to be................ Hate you................ The whole world................ Tell me how to kill you................ Tell me how to kick you................ The you inside me................ The you in the form of black................ Dark shadow of the heart................ Blacken my days................

And then you come to my head................

Creating the urge................ To go home................ To that house................ That has already gone................ Where to go................ There is nowhere................ I hate that part................ I cant handle that now................ I skip it................ Sorry................ You are too cruel................ To show that kind of thing................ To create that kind of thing................

How you can do that to them\................

But not me................ I want that too................ That kind of thing................ The thing that will make me happy................ In my opinion................ Dont know your opinion................ I am not you................ I can only guess................ You never tell................ Then again................ The signs................ Much of them................ Many of them................ Dont want to read it................ Just ignore it................ Believe what i want to believe................

The blood................

The bleeding................ The flowing red................ All over you................ All over your brain................ All over your thought................ All over your life................ It is never white................ From the start................ From the beginning................ You make this................ You want this................ What is the purpose................ What is the meaning................ Show me what it is................ Tell me what you want................

The last piece................

The yearning for fuel................ The longing for booster................ The missing for greatness................ The stupid soul................ Waiting for uncertainty................ But the song destroys you................ make you feel sad................ you said yourself................ you are the source of everything................ including this................ these things harbor you................ hold tight................ goodbye love................ you got the wrong person................ i have to go................ restraint the heart................ bear the pain................

The quarrel between them................

Not understanding what happens................ But get the feeling of badness................ Feel like i am in the middle................ And be a part of the fight................ Something connects with one of them................ Not want to take side................ But the hate for so long................ I thought it just me................ But not anymore................ There are many................ Being corrupted by that bitch................ The embodiment of a bastard................ Ask him................ To help me stay away................ To keep him far away................ To provide a giant gap................ Thus i will be happy................ To see from afar................ How he destroys himself................ Then i will dance................ To celebrate................ The winning of me................ The losing of you................ Sorry to say................ You are loser................

This is how you stand................

On the other side of the wall................ Looking at them................ Without touching................ No way of being close................ Even in your dream................ You just stay................ Admiring from afar................ Just like usual................ And i come to be still................ And you want me to be something else................ Not this................ At least that is how i feel................ Dont know what it will be................ Cant read you really................ Just interprete you................ As i want................ As i can................ On my level of understanding................ The way i judge the world................ And everything else................ Is the same with................ How the way i judge you................ From my side................ My point of view................ What please me................

And that is usually working................

Noone can take our happiness................ You make your own happiness................ The thing is................ They are tempting................ But unreachable................ And the devil comes too................ That devil................ And the devil that we cant see................ The transparent devil is the worst................ It gets you real deep................ And the show................ Thanks god................ It helps................ That is funny................ But the language remind you................ About the drama series................ There are many of them................ Makes you melow................ Run................ And run for more................ The love is not here................ Chase me................ Catch me................ If you can................ You are not it................ I want other................ I want more................ I want not you................ I want everything but you................

The plan is not getting hurt................

You promise yourself to be happy................ Just making friends................ And networking................ No hunting for pleasure................ For perfect creature................ Just be you................ Be happy................ And it will happen that way................ Believe it in your head................ Put it in your brain ................

And the wait for more.................

The process of taking things................. Also taking time................. And you just be happy................. Sit there................. Doing your own thing................. Respecting them................. Respecting the self................. Karma is on bitch................. You get what you deserve................. You reap what you sow................. Blush the dark................. Color the shadow................. Rainbow the rain................. Blow the air................. Whistle the drum................. Beat the heart................. Take the rhythm................. And dance................. Move your feet................. Shake your body................. Shine your face................. Glow your soul................. And show them................. You are the conquerer................. Of the world.................

The peeking purple.................

Being ignored................. Have something else on my mind................. The picture of self................. Adore the self................. Being arrogant................. And stupid too................. Play to other world................. Imagine a different dimension................. The late of them................. Cant control them................. Just love them................. Remember the maker................. What else could be done................. Everything is in its place................. You are too................. He puts you here................. Be with them................. Full of love................. Wait for them................. To finish theirs................. Just watch them................. Imagine being them................. Carefree................. As it is really.................

The screaming.................

The shouting................. It doesnt matter................. You are on your own bubble................. You are covered with glitter................. Sparkling soul................. The halo of self................. Make you fly................. Up to the sky................. Dive into the cloud................. Be white................. Be pure................. The essence of self................. No spot at all................. Clean as star................. Just like them................. Free to laugh................. No prisonized attitude................. Let it be................. No pretending................. Showing the true self................. No burden to wear the mask................. To accomodate others................. To behave accordingly................. As they please.................

And it is difference.................

How you feel................. That kind of sound................. Apart from before................. The one that make you feel good................. The noises come................. It disturbs you................. And you promise yourself................. To be on the bright side................. All the time................. Will never get affected................. By this kind of input................. You can maintain................. The shining you................. Yes you can................. You are you................. You are made by him................. You are special................. Noone else can be you................. You are stone................. You are gold................. Molded by thunder................. Tough through the core................. Every inch of you.................

The waiting.................

And the shortage................. And then he appears................. Out of nowhere................. Startle me................. But makes me happy................. The scenery................. Put you in good mood................. The view................. Boost you................. Just enjoy the show................. What he provides................. Is good for you................. Noone else can do................. Just him................. And only him................. The master of everything................. The sounnnd of unimmmaginable voice................. The goosebump you feel................. And then you realize................. You dont have it................. And you need it badly................. How come................. What should be done.................

No credit...............

And then the warning comes............... He takes it............... You feel stressed............... That was your fun............... Your gate away............... Tu run away............... From this tormented world............... The reality that is full............... Of things you dont want............... You want to escape............... The thought of future............... When you find sanctuary............... Make you happy............... Please your bone............... Calm your soul............... Reduce your boiling head............... The pain on your chest............... The pressure on your heart............... The exploding lung............... The bursting vein............... The blood is all over you............... On your face............... On your brain............... You are dead...............

No sleep at all...............

Wide awake............... Hate the self............... What did i do............... Those liquid............... Three of them............... Full to the inside............... Touch the nerve............... Ruin the routine............... Make you have high sense............... Of everything around you............... Feel that something will happen............... Something bad............... But you just ignore............... You do what please you............... Dont care anything else............... Eventhough you know............... Him always watching............... What you doing............... Your bad things............... Over and over again............... As if............... You disgrace yourself............... And you disgrace him............... By doing what you doing...............

No connection...............

Hope it is not the sign............... The bad one............... Not inviting other negatives............... The rest will be sunshine............... No dark clouds............... The smile all around............... The laugh is on the air............... The happiness covers you............... The joy bathes you............... Believe it in your head............... Put it in your brain............... Thus it affects you............... To be full of light............... Shine all over the road............... Walk all over places............... Bring the sun closer............... Kick the shadow away............... Befriend with them............... The good............... The bad............... The in between............ .................. He makes them all............... Purposes behind them............... You dont know it...............

High edu...............

Hate the self............... Of being lazy............... Stay away from that session............... Not like i used to be............... Hunting here and there............... Full of spirit............... But now............... Spiritless............... Dont know what happen............... The feel of comfort............... Lure you away............... Blame all the failures............... Think there is time............... Much of them............... You are defeated............... By yourself............... The self of shadow............... Dark soul............... Burn yourself...............

It had been three times...............

I avoid them............... Dont do that again............... Love them............... Remember lord............... He will help you............... There is nothing wrong with them............... Is all in your head............... Not real............... That devil puts it in your head............... Dont think about it............... Just do it............... See them thoroughly............... They are beautiful............... Inside out............... Just like him...............

The new house..............

The invitation from sister.............. To stay with her.............. To accompany her.............. Nut the thought is negative.............. There is a lot of things i dont want.............. In that place.............. There is a lot of things i want.............. But there isnt in that place.............. Maybe bringing ones myself.............. To amuse the self.............. To provide self with happiness.............. That kind of thing.............. The beautiful creature.............. To be with me.............. To accompany me.............. Till the end of time’..............

Everything becomes something..............

The quiet is gone.............. Now it is crowded.............. Full of people.............. Full of strangers.............. People of different level.............. People of different ride.............. And then those buildings.............. Bring them all in.............. Chase away some of them.............. The ones on my level.............. But thanks god that there is.............. This one place.............. Where i can go.............. Rest my soul and heart.............. Be with them.............. The ones on the same level..............

The thought of that time..............

When i give her things.............. She would not appreciate it.............. Coz she gets nicer things.............. Not from me.............. From her family.............. Beyond my level.............. Beyond my reach.............. This is the thought.............. Dont know for sure.............. Maybe this is the red devil.............. Put thoughts inside my head.............. To ruin me.............. My everything..............

The wall..............

Closing to it.............. Leaning to it.............. Losing unconsciousness.............. Feel being attached.............. Followed.............. Embeded.............. Those crazy things.............. And want the easy way.............. The process of purifying.............. But they said.............. It should not be done.............. You should take the hard way.............. Clean yourself.............. By yourself.............. Do a lot of prayers.............. Bath the self with his verses..............

Different feeling i get..............

When facing you.............. Feel of worthless.............. Unwanted.............. Coz bringing a lot of sins.............. Doing a lot of negative things.............. But always hoping for the best.............. For forgiveness.............. As they said.............. He is the source of forgiveness.............. The source of everything.............. The good.............. The bad.............. The in between.............. And should believe.............. That he is always positive.............. Including this.............. How he handles me..............

Difficult to get up early..............

Lately.............. Then i feel it has connection with hairs.............. As thay said that hairs.............. Carry a lot of creatures.............. Should go to the barbershop.............. Cut them all.............. Clean them all.............. Thus i can be me again.............. Just like before.............. Is it not wrong, isnt it.............. Blaming it on the hairs.............. Lets see the difference.............. After the cutting.............. Just wait and see.............. Believe it will change..............

That jogja event..............

He said it is full.............. I dont believe him.............. I think he selected people.............. Only those who have things.............. What things.............. I dont have.............. Money.............. Physic.............. Both.............. Let it go.............. I will join better event.............. The best event in the world.............. Just wait and see.............. I will be happy.............. I will not be sad.............. That is not important.............. This is important..............

Be positive..............

I have something to give.............. I really do.............. It is from them.............. And i will transfer.............. I will deliver.............. All i have.............. To them all.............. I feel like i am going insane.............. Rest the heart.............. Just do what you love to do.............. What is in front of you.............. Do all of them.............. Sincerely.............. Let them be judge.............. Let him judge you..............

27 okt 16 kamis

Ikip.............. Pul gasik.............. Matahari kopi.............. Ada beli kado buat fian.............. Pul.............. Bhsl ps.............. Mlm matahari.............. Potog.............. Burjo.............. Allahuakbar..............

26 okt 16 rabu

Ikip.............. At jogja with temen2 pgsd.............. Naik bis kampus.............. Mampir salatiga jemput b wiwik.............. At uny b iin ujian s3.............. Pul mampir b puji ungaran.............. Mpe kampus ikut sarasehan.............. Indomrt.............. Allahuakbar..............

25 okt 16 selasa

Wrg.............. Ikip mpe sore.............. Matahari kopi.............. Allahuakbar’..............

24 okt 16 senen

Ikip.............. Matahari kopi.............. Pul.............. Wrg.............. Ikip.............. Allahuakbar..............

23 okt 16 minggu

Seharian d kos.............. Bhsl ps.............. Mlm burjo.............. allahuakbar..............

And then they kidnap me..............

Sell me.............. Use me.............. Till i am out of everything.............. Till they are bored of me.............. Then i am killed.............. They kill me.............. But i am not dead.............. Someone found me.............. Someone cure me.............. But then again.............. He sells me.............. The case repeats all over again.............. I try to run away.............. But they caught me.............. They shot me.............. They sell me to other place.............. Then the escape again.............. Fail again.............. Shot again.............. Sell to other place again.............. And repeat again.............. Till i got in that place.............. The last one.............. When there is a customer.............. The regular one.............. The scary one.............. But he seems so lovely.............. So sincere.............. And bought me.............. And make me his property.............. Treat me dearly.............. Make me part of his family.............. And the others love me too.............. Dont know the reason.............. Sincere? .............. Or scared? .............. But it all has been good.............. Then the secret of his world is revealed.............. The love gets bigger.............. Stronger.............. Deeper.............. Cant stay away from him.............. The coming home.............. The interview.............. The famous.............. But always going back to him.............. Always.............. Till the end..............

Do you want to get back together? ..............

What the heck.............. Do you love me.............. I dont think so.............. You never show your love for me.............. You never show your care for me.............. I had done a lot of sacrifice.............. Now it is your turn.............. Show me yours.............. Your sacrifice.............. Your love.............. Your care..............

The feeling of being good..............

When some of them remember me.............. Greet me.............. Feel i am respected.............. Feel wonderful.............. Though.............. I know how i was.............. Very stupid.............. Very stern.............. Very apart.............. Distance myself away from them.............. Dont want to get close.............. Afraid of them.............. Afraid of them knowing me.............. The true me..............

The movie of last night..............

The one i had already watched.............. But it hits me just now.............. Not like the one before.............. Dont know why.............. But it gets into my head real deep.............. And then he sits next to me.............. And the memory of the plot rushes through my head.............. What if.............. I am like the one in the story.............. Crazy imagination.............. And that driver.............. And both of them.............. Stay in my life.............. Forever and ever..............

When you just sit..............

And she explains all she has in her head.............. So much of that knowledge.............. Very high level beyond my reach.............. At least for now.............. Coz i will be there in that level.............. With my own strength.............. She does have a really great explanation.............. Will i be like that.............. It always comes the nervous.............. The disbelief of self.............. And then comes the contra.............. To kill those the underestimate self.............. And then comes the thought of homeschooling.............. Then want to put the kids there.............. Whose kids.............. I dont have kids.............. The thought is jumping here and there..............

So much events...................

Very various................... And i am not apart of it................... Feel inferior................... Dont have the skill................... Like them................... Being a guide................... On every event................... Feel stupid................... Very stupid................... Have nothing compare to them................... Admire them................... Expert in many areas................... Not like me................... Just one area................... And not sure good at it...................

The waiting...................

The unrespect................... And the mouth calls again................... Want to go home................... But where is home................... Dont have home really................... The one and only................... Had been taken by him................... He is cruel................... My idea of heaven................... There is her................... There is you................... Putting together................... Will i join you both................... That is the question................... Realizing how dirty i am................... It is scary...................

And it happens again...................

Get confused................... Cant get quite understand................... What is going on................... Everything seems out of place................... Put your heart into restless mode................... The state of being uncalm................... Need to read that book................... The calming one................... Something wrong................... Dont feel like to eat................... Dont fell like to do anything................... Just confused................... Need to do something................... But not know what to do................... Damn...................

What places is that...................

It is scary................... The boss is in there................... Fuck................... He was caught................... Then the bombs come................... It will end badly................... It always does................... Hate that kind of story................... Not going out the whole day................... Till now................... Getting hungry................... Hope get refreshment................... For the brain................... Need fresh air................... To be different................... It feels different................... Not the same as usual................... I dont know why................... It is the same place................... But it has something...................

I want it to end...................

But it still has a lot of times................... Scary................... Waiting for the bombs................... You know it comes................... And you wait for it................... The heart makes some crazy noises................... Is that a war................... Where the hell is that................... No it is not................... It is a celebration................... What celebration................... The celebration of death................... The dance of blood...................

The kindness will kill you...................

For sure................... Believe me................... Stupid and crazy dome at the same time................... In one brainless head................... He gives everything to him................... What does he expect................... Sex? Love? ................... He tells lies................... Sad stories................... And he swallows them all................... And the relationship changes................... And then he dissappears................... And he comes back................... With all the problems................... And he takes him again...................

Really stupid...................

Do that again................... And again................... All over again................... Dont he have brain................... I judge him................... Stupid me................... He is me................... Exactly the same................... Brainless................... Goddddd................... I want to scream................... At him................... At you................... At myself................... Kill him................... Kill you................... Kill me...................

Lets destroy the world...................

I want to kill them all................... The signs are everywhere................... But i dont want to see................... I blind myself................... The stupid man................... Always falls for the same boy................... Very stupid................... Is that a mirror................... Is that your way................... To tell me................... To show me................... That this is a fuck up world................... Then i am a part of it................... Am i................... Am i not...................

Stupid man...................

Like me................... I remember my cases................... The thief of laptop................... The sweet mouth of gold digger................... And the one................... I forget................... Wait................... The one with the police................... And god always comes................... Save me................... Over and over................... And i am stupid................... All the time................... Fuck that................... Fuck me...................

And the mattress takes me...................

Willingly happily................... As a dear friend................... Who will never leave me................... Rolling here................... Rolling there................... Being pleased................... Being relaxed................... Resting all the mind, body and soul................... I am sorry................... I dont want to explain................... This mouth shuts................... I hope you will understand................... Without my explanation................... Please say................... That i am fine the way i am................... Dont change me................... Accept me................... Love me................... Embrace me................... Say you will...................

I want to sleep...................

But i cant................... The morning is near... ................................... But i cant help it................... This brain is storming................... Many thoughts running around................... Got this paper and pen................... And then i write................... About this, that, these, and................... Everything else................... And the morning comes................... The restless comes................... There is nothing no do................... Got stressed................... Want to travel................... But have noone................... Damn................... Always dependent................... Hate myself................... Want to be independent................... Want to be free................... What the hell................... I can do this................... I will do this................... Lets go...................