I will find you....................

Wherever you are.................... Whatever it take.................... But then again.................... You are everywhere.................... You are borderless.................... Here.................... Then.................... Now.................... In the past.................... In the future.................... You are fearless.................... Unbeatable.................... When you love mortals.................... You just love.................... Give them everything.................... But they are never satisfied....................

Missing you is all i can....................

I want to be close to you.................... But i dont know how.................... Actually.................... I know how.................... As far as i can tell.................... But i am not doing them.................... I am doing the opposite.................... Curse myself.................... Curse the devil in me.................... Curse everything.................... But you ....................

Damn.....................

Everybody is on that level..................... I want to be on that level too..................... I want to be on their circle..................... Being with them..................... In the middle of them..................... It feels like hell..................... Seem like it..................... It feels like the end..................... Seem like it..................... They will be alright..................... I will be alright..................... We will be alright..................... You will save us..................... No matter what .....................

God...........................

I want to cry........................... On your lap........................... I want to restrict myself........................... To stay away........................... From that things........................... That things are full of shit........................... The devils........................... The evils........................... The satans........................... The demons........................... All of them ...........................

God i am afraid.......................

I worry....................... My fear....................... Will offend you....................... I should not be afraid....................... I should believe in you....................... That all of this....................... Is your plan....................... Your beautiful plan....................... For me....................... Just for me....................... I love you god....................... I am afraid god.......................

God help me.......................

God i am afraid....................... God i want to know....................... What is behind all of this....................... I know....................... You have intention....................... I am sorry to interfere....................... God i am afraid .......................

Being smart.......................

Just like him....................... I wish....................... Being wanted....................... Going deep....................... Into the story....................... Trying to distract....................... My own brain....................... To think about that....................... Very heavy .......................

I am sorry god.............

I know i am wrong............. I know i deserve the punishment............. But this one is very heavy lord............. I am sorry god............. For all my mistakes............. For all their pain............. That i cause............. God............. I am afraid............. I am sorry god .............

There are seeds of arrogant in me.................

That is why god doesnt allow me to pass yet................. To make my dream come true................. To grant my wish................. To go up to the next level................. I must stay in this level still................. There are many lessons................. That i am not mastered them yet................. Why does my brain go here................. There is that problem still................. That really burden my heart................. Make me gloomy................. Without light................. Remember again................. That time................. Being depressed................. So deep................. Being afraid.................

I cant cry in front of them...................

I cant show my sad face................... I cant show off my sadness................... I must be tough................... I must be strong................... Although it is pretending................... Although the heart is crying................... Although the heart is screaming................... Let it be................... Only before you................... I will cry................... I will scream................... To satisfy myself................... Without stopping ...................

Afraid.................

Because she didnt reply................. Not reply yet................. My thought is going everywhere................. All of them negative................. Devil is everywhere................. Force myself................. To think positively................. I swear god................. Painful................. Afraid................. All of them is becoming one................. Stressed................. Want to meet you................. Want to go home to your house................. Where there will be no problem like this now.................

Made it in heaven....................

Everybody is.................... Me too.................... I am special.................... He made me that way.................... I am unique.................... He crates me that way.................... Take it easy.................... Everything will be ok.................... Slow your heart.................... Enjoy the process.................... Every single part of it.................... They precious.................... There will be lessons.................... Many of them.................... And you will glow.................... Shine throughout your life ....................

The pain is maximum.................

Because she didnt reply................. The message................. The phone................. The chat................. Then i got negative thinking................. A lot of them................. I must meet them................. And they will get angry with me................. And ask many things................. And ask to return things................. Dont want to meet them................. Want to avoid them................. Want everything is ok without meeting them................. The process could be done without them .................

I was hit so hard...............

I cant breathe............... I was speechless............... This heart wont let go............... I dont get the paper............... Just the coin............... Let alone i want otherwise............... Maybe this is god’s way............... To teach me how to let go............... Maybe it is not the time yet............... There are many others............... There will be a better replacement............... Much more better............... I believe that............... Althought it is painful now............... This pain will be............... The ignite point............... To make me a much better person...............

Yesterday................

Those two................ Shocked me to the core................ In fact................ Wow................ They are awesome................ Very amazing................ I am defeated................ That was a heavy smack................ For all this time................ Me and my thought................ Always consider them as low................ But in fact................ They are far................ Far away above me................ My arrogant................ Destroys me................ Into pieces................ This is god’s way................ To teach me................ How to be humble ................

It feels so good.....................

It makes you happy..................... It makes you cry..................... To go to another dimension..................... The life before this..................... Being the most wanted..................... Many soulmates love you..................... In a very passionate way..................... Make you addicted..................... Make you want more..................... And more..................... Or the one partner..................... That loves you deeply..................... And do you in so many ways..................... That make you speechless..................... Awe you to cloud number nine .....................

The things that make me cry......................

Arent real...................... The sad stories...................... The sad movies...................... The sad songs...................... But then again...................... I do cry for real things...................... The sad news...................... Real news...................... Real people...................... Real events...................... But then again...................... I cry for things happen to others...................... But i cant cry when...................... The things happen to me...................... That is so weird...................... Completely...................... Definitely ......................

I cant cry.............

The one thing............. The saddest thing............. The one i thought it would be............. It didnt make me cry............. Thus............. I think............. There is something wrong with me............. It isnt ok............. To be like this............. What is it............. What is wrong............. What should i do............. Just believe in you............. Then you will make it right .............

The end is near.....................

I can feel it..................... And i have a lot of debt..................... I am afraid..................... Being afraid will offend you..................... So i must not be afraid..................... I must believe in you..................... You will make everything fine..................... Life is wonderful..................... You make it..................... It is the only way..................... Your way..................... Imagining things..................... If something happens..................... Then it will be you..................... Just like the story .....................

The want is...................

To buy sporty things................... To help me................... Being healthy................... Being in a good shape................... Hope god help me................... There is so much going on in my head................... Being afraid of everything................... The fund................... The process................... The stupid of me ...................

The plan is...................

To build a place................... For that machine................... So it will be useful................... For my daily life................... Hope money will not be the problem................... Hope both of them can help................... And not do something fishy ................... I am afraid................... If i dont use it................... It will be broken................... Just like her................... I dont understand................... She buys................... But she never uses it...................

The plan...................

Reducing a lot of meal times................... To do that................... Must avoid office................... Hope it will succeed................... Hope nobody want to see me................... When i am not at the office................... Hope it runs smoothly................... Hope god lead me the way................... Hope god accompany me................... Hope god is beside me................... All the time................... From the start................... To the finish line................... Happily................... Cheerfully ...................

Four choices......................

Restless...................... Undecided...................... Confused...................... Stressed...................... Finally i choose number two...................... Hopefully you bless it...................... God...................... Help me...................... Save me...................... I need this...................... To live...................... To whorship you...................... To be close to you......................

I am afraid...................

If i give a little................... You will be angry................... If i give a lot................... I am afraid i will not have enough money................... Then i think................... Fear of not having money................... Will offend you................... Will make you angry................... Thus i become more afraid................... In the end................... I surrender................... I give a lot................... Coz i believe................... You will guarantee my life...................

24 mar 17 jumat....................

Wrg.................... Kampus.................... Cimb.................... Bri.................... Kampus.................... Alfamrt.................... Allahuakbar....................

23 mar 17 kamis....................

Wrg.................... Kampus.................... Pulgsk.................... Allahuakbar....................

22 mar 17 rabu....................

Wrg.................... Kampus.................... Pulgsk.................... Allahuakbar....................

21 mar 17 selasa....................

Sdn sendangmul yo 2 penarikan magang.................... Sdn sendangmulyo 4 penarikan dan penerjunan magang.................... Mcd.................... Kampus.................... Alfamrt.................... Allahuakbar....................

20 mar 17 senen....................

Kampus.................... Allahuakbar....................

19 mar 17 minggu....................

Nyuci.................... Alfmrt.................... Pedurungan.................... Resepsi pak muhdi at upgris w ciprut bulik dian hendra.................... Pedurungan ambil laptop.................... Allahuakbar....................

18 mar 17 sabtu....................

Pedurungan.................... At mataram beli mesincucui w hendra dian ciprut.................... Lunch at mcd.................... Pedurungan ambil motor.................... Omah.................... Mlm pedurungan nunut mangan.................... Alfamart.................... Allahuakbar....................

can i just listen to you all............

i am not good in chit chat............ i am not good in talking............ i am afraid of people............ the fake celebration............ the fake graduation............ the fake test............ the fake score............ they are just them............ it is very difficult............ just send prays for them............ hope i dont make mistake............ i had done everything i could............ but they are just like that............ it is so frustating ........................

When love is not simple anymore..............

All has changed.............. All needs money.............. All needs material.............. None is pure anymore.............. None is sincere anymore.............. All brings hidden agenda.............. This is suck.............. How can it be.............. The devils are everywhere.............. They contaminate everybody.............. There is no more white heart.............. Everything is black.............. All is dark..............

Imagining................

You are the fan of mine................ You cheer me loudly................ You boost the energy in me................ You lift me................ Up high to the sky................ Cloud number nine................ And i cant stop smiling................ You give me light................ You show me the path................ You put me in d place................ Where noone can kill me................ Kick me aside................ You save me................ You make me safe................

I want to go home................

Life seems so hard................ Then i realize................ I am complaining................ Sorry................ But the thought comes suddenly................ By itself................ Cant avoid it................ Cant control it................ I dont want to complain................ I just want to meet you................ I want to be loved................ I want to be hugged................ Tightly................ And dont let me go................ Forever................ What the hell................ Why do i cry................ This is suck................

One day................

I will wait................ Until you allow me................ Having a child................ Until i deserve it................ Becoming a dad................ Until i am worthy in your eyes................ To stand tall................ To held my head high................ But i am always afraid................ I will not be there................ To that level................ I will always fight................ I am sorry for hoping still................ I am only human................ Though that is not an excuse................

I know this is wrong................

But................ There is always but in my head................ I hope................ Really hope................ You make this right................ Magically................ Move my foot................ Towards you................ Imagining to live there................ In your house................ Happily................ Without working................ Only cleaning your house................ Becoming your slave................ Becoming your sub................ Becoming your worshipper................ Live freely................ Without limit................

Money..................

Tomorrow.................. Make it easy.................. If it exists now thus we can do it tomorrow.................. If it doesnt exist now thus i will do it later.................. Then.................. Must i phone her.................. Or him.................. Finally i text her.................. And i git reply.................. Thx to god.................. He plans all.................. There has been plans.................. There has been places.................. There has been times..................

And i got blocked..................

The first reaction is.................. Fuckkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk.................. Damnnnnnnnnnnnnnn.................. Everything seems difficult lately.................. The way god plans all.................. What will happen now.................. Can i stillbe exist in this kind of world.................. I want to.................. But it will be hard.................. He blocks it.................. It seems so.................. God.................. Help me please..................

Sorry..................

I get angry easily.................. Dont know what happens.................. But it happens.................. The devil wins.................. Hope it doesnt happen again.................. Hope everything is ok between us.................. The heart hurts.................. Feel full.................. Want to explode.................. Want to burst.................. Say your name.................. Whisper your sentences.................. Calm now.................. Calm me ..................

Jumat pray.................

Continuously yawning................. Sleepy................. Falling asleep................. They say it is the devil................. I am afraid................. There are a lot of devils inside me................. When i do other pray i also continuosuly yawning................. Being afraid constantly................. Now i am being afraid all the time................. Then remember................. Her again................. Must respect, love her................. But when i meet her we never get along well................. Everything in her makes me angry................. The person, the appereance, the attitude, the words................. What if................. The devil makes me hate her.................

Scary jobs.................

Scary workers................. Scary situation................. Watching them................. Give me goosebump................. Dont want to be like them................. And................. Enlightmen................. It will be very difficult to do that................. Realizing that what happens now ................. People around me are mostly like them................. But thx to god................. Being grateful................. That i am not like them................. And thx to god................. Being grateful................. God places me where i am now................. Meeting those people................. And i can live by the result of my work.................

I must treat her as queen.................

Then he will make me king................. That is what he promises................. And i believe that................. I must believe that................. Coz he is true................. He always does what he promises................. He is lovely................. He creates lovely things................. Lovely world................. Lovely love................. Lovely feeling................. And then................. Everything goes smoothly................. He is so god damn lovely.................

17 mar 17 jumat....................

Wrg.................... Kampus mpe mlm.................... Allahuakbar....................

16 mar 17 kamis....................

Wrg.................... Kampus mpe mlm.................... Pijet.................... Allahuakbar....................

15 mar 17 rabu....................

Kampus.................... Pul gasik.................... Allahuakbar....................

14 mar 17 selasa....................

Kampus.................... Penerjuanan magang di sdn sendangmulyo 2 dan 4.................... Bonceng mahasiswa.................... Balik kampus by gojek.................... Allahuakbar....................

13 mar 17 senen....................

Kampus mpe sore.................... Allahuakbar....................

The question is................

Should i open the door................ And ask them to come in................ Or should i wait for them................ To open first................ Is it my mistake................ Not to open the door? ................ I think it is................ Damn................ Hate myself................ Hate my brain................ Hate my thought................ Hate the late realization................ And then they come................ With their noisy mouths................ Hate them................ And................ Of course................ The devil wins................

Wow................

They are late for a long time................ The time will run out................ They have to present theirs................ I have to explain mine................ What about the consultation................ Then i got the idea................ Thx to lord................ I think this idea from him................ Maybe i will give the time................ For consultation tomorrow morning................ The same time with other class................ It will be nice................ That is amazing................