sabtu 3 9 11

sabtu 3 9 11

siang k scc g dpt kursi
hiks
help me lord

k alfa
k warnet
k wrg
thx u lord

mlm date w abe
thx u lord

the meaning of life

the meaning of life

when i was in junior high, i had an intention to commit suicide. then one of my friend give me a really good sentence to pray before i go to bed.
"LORD, if my life is worth for other, bring me back to life in the morning. but if my dead worth for other, let me be with YOU."
since then up to now i always say that pray at night. in the morning when i wake up, i ask to myself "why am i still alive? what is my life for?". then i am thinking that maybe my life is having the purpose for the other.
one recent prove. my scanner is broken when i want to scan my own documents. but when my friend ask me to scan her document, my scan works well.
when my mind wanders everywhere, sometimes i think that maybe my life has a pirpose to teach others' kid. then i a happy i found my purpose. but when the reality struck, i am depressed when there are a lot of naughty kids as my students.....
then i ask the LORD what if the purpose doing this if i am not happy. can i be what i want that can make me happy? can i be a host in travelling program? i love to travel around the world. but it costs plenty. i dont hv money. if i work as a host of travelling program, the program will pay my travelling and they will give me salary too....how wonderful is that>>>>>
then i imagine becoming famous. a lot of talk shows invite me as a guest. i imagine i am really good at talking. but the reality struck again. i am not good in talking and socializing. how can i answer the host? how can i build a long conversation with the host? how can i make a wonderful dialog with the host? when i want to express something, usually i can make it in one sentence. then i can expand no more.
that reality killing my other dream. i want to be a writer. as a writer we are demanded to be able to express our mind, our thougt, our feeling in many sentences.
see...all i do is complaining and complaining. never do something to solve our own problem. just pity myself all the time. what kind of person i am.....

famous

famous

nowadays everybody wants to be famous...they do everything in order to be famous...they make video and post it on the internet so everybody will watches them ....they want to be like the public figures...if the entertainment broadcasts the story of the public figures, everybody watches it .... they imagine themselves as the public figure...they tries to consider their lives the same as those of the public figures ..... they think their life is so important that everybody should know about it ....
we think our life is so special, different from everybody else...that why everybody should know our story...but that is what everybody else think about themselves too ....every person has their own story, a unique story that it is considered a very special story by themselves....i think we should appreciate the life that the lord giveth to us ....whether the other recognise our existence or not, it does not matter...the most important think is that we can be exist in our own story, be the number one in our own tale, be the hero in our own drama, be the king in our own fairytale ....

g party

g party

i pay the ticket and i believe i can come by myslef. in the d day everything change. i dont have self confidence at all. i think i dont have expensive costume. the place is in the dugem venue and i am afraid of that kind of place because i belive that kind of place will make me look like a loser, a big loser. then i do not come to the party. there goes 100rb. hiks...
maybe this is a sign from the lord that i dont belong to that kind of place, that i dont belong to that kind of people. this is sickening. my heart ache so badly. maybe this is a punishment from the lord for everything i do wrong. and i think the punishment is not enough. my brain tells me that i must punish myself more.....

dream

dream


akhir2 ini mipi2ku semakin aneh. banyak sekali mimpi, namun susah untuk diingat. hanya satu yg nyantol di kepala. diriku melayang2 d luar angkasa. semua adegan2 dr perjalanan hidupku terpampang dlm layar layaknya televisi. kmd keluar asap hitam dr tubuhku. dan muncul setan yg spt d film2 tsb. dan akhirnya aku terbangun....

bukan hanya sekali itu. akhir2 ini aku sering mimpi yg membuat tubuhku melayang2. apa ini pengarug obat pencahar yg aku minum? apa seseorg mempermainkan diriku? i am afraid someone messing with my head. i hope the lord protect me from all evil intention out there.....

dendam

dendam

banyak film menceritakan bahwa pendendam akan binasa oleh dendamnya. aku sudah meyakinkan diri sendiri untuk menghilangkan semua dendam dalam diri. namun aku tak yakin semua dendam itu telah lenyap.
when my father died, i am angry because he never taught me how to be a good person, he never be a father for me....then i force myself to let go all of my anger to him. maybe this is not his fault. mybe this is my fault. because i am not a good son or other reason i can not find right now.
when i got divorce i blame my parents. they give me a wrong woman. at first i am sure i am on the right side. then i force myself to let go all of my anger to them. maybe this is my fault. maybe i am not a good son, maybe i am not a good husband.
when i try to convince myself that i do not have any grudge left in me, i ask myself whether i am free or not. sometime i wonder if i live to prove to them whom i have grudges to to be the best i can. to prove to them that i can live wothout them........

center of attention

center of attention


i always imagine how it would be great if i were the center of the attention of the world...but in reality i am really shy in front of the crowd...even as a teacher i am afraid that my students will realize that that is what i am thinking in my head...i do not feel comfortAble when people look at me...i am afraid i do something wrong and the other laugh at me...how embarassing is that?....maybe i should learn some trick to overcome my shyness....maybe i should take a class that teach this kind of thing .....i wonder how people get so good in front of the crowd ....