maybe it will work.

maybe it will work.
i want to be loved. i want the real love, not a fake love. now i feel lonely. many times i ask myself, does she love me? if she does, where is the proof? because all this time she acts like shoe doesnt care about me. imagine that she always throws me away. when i am only six months my parents are divorced. according to my grandma, both of them fight for my custody. i think that fight is not based on love. they just want to hurt each other. and i can not do anything at that time. my mother won at that fight. classic. most in divorce cases the child will go with the mother. and the court agree with that. i think i will happy with my mom. but i am not. she left me with my grandma. she go away to find a job. so i live with my mom's mom. i donot want to tell about mom or grandma. i want to tell about father. i think he does not love me. when i live with my grandma, my father visit me once a month. he is married again. he has two children from his new wife. if he visit me he always gives money to my grandma. but my grandma always said that my father give very little. it can not meet the need for life, eat, etc. but i only hear my grandma murmuring by herself. i feel sorry for my grandma. i love my grandma a lot, up to now. i love her more i love my parents. she support our life from grandpa's pension. my grandpa is passed away before i was born. i do not know him at all. after my grandpa is passed away, my grandma never married again. i admire her love for grandpa. i want to have that kind of love. i hope i get it. now back to my father. once my father take me to his house. then my father's mom take me. they do not give me back to my beloved grandma. i live in my father's mom more than a month. then mu mom's sister pick me and give me back to my beloved grandma. then i got sick. i was taken to a doctor. but i cannot get better. then my grandma take me to "a smart person". he said i was got voodoo. i was made to be ill so thay can take me away. he said this voodoo is from my father. then he gives me a necklace of spell and herb. after i wore that necklace i got better. miracle. i think that was strange. but i was only a little boy back then who can not think of anything. but now i can think that was very stange think. that is not love from father to a son. if a father love his son, its impossible to do such kind of thing. i think he just want to get event with my mom. than when i was eleven, i live with my mom. my mom was remarried. when i live with my mom, my father never visit me. and he never give me money again. once i got news that my father's mom got sick. then my mom's sister take me to visit her in my father's house. but she was not there. then i was taken to her house. but she was already well. after that i do not meet my father and his mom for a long ttime. when i was 17yo i visit my father by myself. but only for a moment, come in the morning, home in the afternoon. i can not find love there. my heart hurt. oh lord why? its unfair. its cruel. i was unloveable. then i go to college. i choose a university in my father's town. i want to live in a boarding house. i do not want to live with my father. but i visit my father once a month. only for a while. come in teh morning, home in the afternoon. he always gives me money. but i think its very little. i want to be grateful, i do not want to complaint all the time. i am tired being hurt. but i can not. my heart is hurt so bad. i can not stand it. i move to other university in other town. i live with my mom's sister. but every month i still visit my father. longer than before, i stay for one night. i think that is enough. i saw a lot of unfair things. i hurt a lot. just imagine. he give me very little money. my mother give me a lot. hence, in the court, the judge said as long as the boy do not have a job yet, the cost of living is on father. but in the reality is not like that. hence my father live properously. he has 2 cars, 2 motorcyles. a phonecell for him, his wife, his children. but he does not do that for me. he always underestimate me. he said" if u live with me,in senior high i will choose ipa for you, then take medical school like ur siblings. u know, ur 2 siblings take medical school because of my guidance. " is it wrong for me to take english literature? english is my favorite. if i take medical school, and that is because he force me, can it be run well? i dont think so. but that is my father, he want everyone obey what he want. thank god i do not live with my father. with my mother, i can be free. thank lord. i should be grateful. but i am not. i am still hurt inside. i think my father doesnt love me. may be that is not the cause of my heartache. i think my father does not give me the same materi as my 2 siblings. like my siblings, i want phonecell, a car, motorcycle, but he gives me nothing. once he said he want to replce my old motor with a new one. why can he just buy me a new one. why he ask for a replacement. am i not that important to him? actually every month i do not want to go to his house. but i must do that. if i do not come, he will be angry. "where have u been? never gine news. am i not ur father any more? " than what should i say? i do not have gut to confront him that he is the one who act as if i am not his son. everytime i visit his house i just sit in the living room, watching tv, sleeping in the nite, watching tv again in the morning, then going home. the same way every month. and i always get the same question " is ur grandma ok? " ok. "have u visit ur mom?" i have. " how is ur mom's sister?" she is fine. "she has 3 children?" yes. "the fisrt one is in college?" yes."where?" undip."what does he take?" technique."the second?" senior high."the third?" junior high."do u have a girlfriend?" no."why?" nothing. "ur sister has a boyfriend" i kept silence. i wonder if he think first before he ask. can he sees? my brother has a car, i am on foot. every girl accept a boy with a car and reject a boy om foot. just think of that. once i ride my motor to his house. he is angry with me. "why dont u take the bus? how if something happen? " hence i take my motor with purpose, to make him pity me and buy me a car. but it does not work to heartless people. he just do not understand. then how should i act? if i think again, its not love, its a money thing. i think i am a material boy. i just envy to my siblings for their phonecell, their cars etc. and i want my father give me the same. because i can not ask my mother for such kind of things. so, if i think it deep, its not love matter, its a money matter. i equalize money and love. if father does not give me money, he does not love me. that is. this is why i hate my father. i try not to hate my father coz god does not like that. i want to love father so god love me too. so if now i love father that is not pure love. that is a fake love to get love from above. just like in book i had read, if u want a happy life, do not keep hate in ur heart. now i am not happy coz my whole life i use for hating father. i am tired. i do not want to be like this. i want to be happy. so i try to plant love in my heart. but it does not work. i want to throw away the hate, but it always coming back. the hate conquer the love. i can not control it. i should be able to control love and hate inside me. but i can not do that. i believe in principle that say if u give love to everyone u will get multiple love from everywhere. i want to apply that principle in my life. every month i go to my father with love. but when i get there the love is gone, may be i drop it in my way to get there, or may be the love just go away by itself. the reality is when i get to my father, i only have envy and jealous. i envy my siblings, they live properously. i should not make that important. i just see the materi. i do not see deeper. i do not want to be materi lover. i remember someone said" about materi see under u, about knowledge see above u" that is what i want. but words are not as easy as reality. its difficult. may be its not. maybe its easy. the one who make it difficult is myself. i just do not have willing to do it, coz the hate have already control me. hence people say that love and hate separates by a very thin wall. but in reality i never able to turn hate into love. i never able to cross hate into love area. i am so stupid, i do not want to be stupid. i want to be a clever boy. but this father matter make me depressed. its make me seven circles dizzy. i am one hundred percent stressfull. once i become a super idiot person. i forget the start. but suddenly i pray to god to take my father. isnt that idiot? god doesnt like that. but i ask for that, where is my brain? if i remember that i am ghostbump if that really happen. is it true god can do that? or maybe the other one who do that? maybe i do the wrong way. if i want such kind of thing i should not ask god, i should ask the other one. maybe it will work.